Dear Switch,

I don't know what you've gone thru....but I understand that it must have been terrible....sorry for what you went thru.

I just wanna say that it's not unusual for abused people to crave abuse. That's why sexually abused people do or read or imagine all sorts of risky sexual behavior. Brain works in mysterious ways.

When people are sexually abused too young, it really messes up the brain. The whole notion of sex just changes. Brain craves the chemical that's usually is released after sex....but unfortunately, for the brain, notion of sex is something similar to be abused.

Sometimes, we just want to relive the experience, again and again....because we are trying to gain control of the situation. We were helpless back then....we want to gain some control of the situation as adults. That's why, sometimes raped women get aroused viewing scenes of rape or crave to watch scenes of rape.....just a way to cope up with the trauma.

I say, use your imagination and think of such scenarios as much as you can. It may make you feel dirty....but over a period of time, you may feel like you are gaining control of the situation and ultimately get over it.
If it doesn't get better over time, then do discuss it with your therapist.

I hope you are working with a therapist.....things like these can't be cured by yourself.

Good luck!!