There are a lot of things that do not seem like they should be sexually appealing, but unfortunately, that does not make them NOT sexually appealing to anyone. Children, for instance, should not be sexually appealing. Yet we all know from the awful stories on this board that this is no protection against the inappropriate touching of children.

I say this, Sweepy, because you seem to be coming at this from the angle of a child. This makes complete sense to me given how triggered you were, and how much like a frightened child you were feeling. And so it seems to me as if you want us to come at this the same way we would if this man had done the same thing to a child -- someone who has no ability or capacity to consent. Even if a child openly says "Yes," that's a "No." If you were a little girl, we would all be saying that yes, this was assault, and we would all be expressing the outrage that maybe you are hoping for from us.

Was what he did gross? Yes. It creeps me out to read about it. No way he didn't know SOMETHING was up with you. Still. When he looked at you, he saw an adult woman. He did not see a helpless child, even though that was how you felt. His expectation was likely that you would say "No" or "Get out" or "Not now" or "I just feel really sick, can you please leave me alone?" Unfortunately, when you ask about assault, you are by default asking us to see it from his perspective -- when it comes to two adults, that is what makes all the difference.

I understand that inside of you, you are always carrying with you a traumatized child. However, people do not see that -- they see an adult woman. If you had been a little girl, this would have been assault, pure and simple. But you are the adult woman who, for better or worse, must find a way to protect this child. Focusing on blame just brings you back to a situation where you are perpetually a child, despite how others see you.

This is one of those incredibly uncomfortable and unfortunate situations where neither party is really to "blame". If you wanted him to stop -- yes, you should have asked him to stop in some way. If he wanted to get frisky -- yes, he should have actually tried to evaluate whether you were on board with it too. But just as people sometimes don't say no when they want someone to stop what they're doing, and instead just crouch in the corner and look upset, sometimes people also just go in for a kiss hoping that the other person will either reciprocate or say otherwise. Neither strategy is particularly good, but neither is particularly uncommon.

I think you need to focus on how this event made you feel, and how much it brought you back to situations where you were truly helpless, and the person abusing you knew darn well you were helpless. This is an awful experience, and I'm very sorry you went through it. I'm hoping you can process it with T. Finding someone to blame will not make it un-happen... but if you find a way to communicate your boundaries even when you're feeling really upset and triggered, it can be a way to turn this into something that will help you in the future.