I've been sober for almost 18 months now. I'm not tempted to drink, abuse prescription drugs, or use any of the other substances I was abusing for a 10 month period in my life. When I think of that period of my life (what I can remember of it that is) it makes me sick to my stomach. The choices I made, how easily I was taken advantage of and lead by others, the friends I lost and will likely never get back, the family members I alienated, ETC. It's all just... aweful.
but now that I've been sober for nearly 18 months I'm painfully aware of the consequences of the mistakes I made during that period of my life, I'm painfully aware when my BPD causes me to act in a manner I know in my rational mind to be inappropriate, and there's no escape from the intense Major Depression cycles anymore.
While I do not at all desire to go back to self medicating the way I was, I don't know how to cope. I feel overwhelmed and lately I've been having thoughts the nature of which I won't go into, due to site TOS (rules), but thankfully my kids keep me from doing anything I'd regret.
I'm trying to get back into DBT (flunked out after 8 months of a 12 month long program), but am finding it isn't easy. I'm just at a loss right now.
-End Vent-