Hello. I have been sober for 4 1/2 years now. Until a year ago, the consequences of my behavior when drunk would haunt me. I would be driving along and remember something awful and just start crying. I allowed myself to be tortured by myself for a long time because of how many people I hurt, deceived and betrayed when I drank hard core for years. The first 2 years of sobriety were the worst. I recently stopped smoking (7 weeks ago today) and now I am craving something so that I also can have a "check out" or "break" from depression and anxiety. I have nothing left to take to self medicate. I am forcing myself to walk at least 5 days a week for a long time in the woods or out in nature. The quiet is helpful. I also started taking vitamins and try to get lots of rest. I had surgery 7 weeks ago and got really sick. It was a wake up call for me so when I finally recovered, I was wanting to get healthier. But I was so depressed and anxious with rapid bad thoughts and too much noise in my head that I felt like I was going to explode.

I could relate to what you wrote almost word for word. I went to outpatient treatment and aa here and there. With out that, I would not have been able to stay sober. Best of luck. We are all in the same boat
Tam