I'm very depressed and very frustrated. I've been completely stable for over six months, but in the last few weeks I've felt the depression coming on. The last 5 days or so the depression has increased significantly each day. I hate bipolar disorder. The cycling is brutal.

Saw my pdoc yesterday and he made some med changes, but it will probably take 10-14 days to start really kicking in. He talked me back into lithium. He needed to put me back on an anti-depressant, but doesn't want to risk throwing me back into rapid cycling, so the lithium works to counter that effect. (AD's can cause mania and rapid cycling when given alone to someone with bipolar disorder.) He wants me to call him if things get worse. He always answers my calls within a few hours, so I know I can count on his help. My symptoms definitely worsened even since seeing him yesterday evening. Having racing thoughts and voices are kicking in (probably the most distressing/anxiety-making part).

Today I saw my therapist. He is very concerned as he's seen me crash very quickly and dangerously many times in the past. He'd like me to consider the hospital right now to head this off. I'm not really at that point yet though. I've been here before and know where that breaking point is. As I told him, I'm on that edge right now. I think his main concern is that he's out of town at a conference until next week. He insisted that I give my pdoc a call each day to let him know my status. I'll give him a call tomorrow afternoon I guess.

Fortunately tomorrow is my last day this week. I had already planned to take Friday off. Knowing I will not have to push through two more days is a relief. I'll be very distracted starting tomorrow as the marching contest starts and I'll be watching the live stream all day Friday and Saturday. That will help. Great distraction.

I'm still managing work okay. I went to choir tonight. Still functioning, just feeling like crap.