So this is my first post and I'm not really sure if I should be writing what I'm about to write, but this is exactly how I feel at the moment.

I truly wish I didn't exist. I hate myself so much that I don't feel worthy of living. I don't want to commit suicide, but I'd give absolutely anything to be whatever I was before I was conceived - nothing. Completely unaware of life and all the ridiculous stress that comes with it. I can't deal with it anymore. I have been experiencing mental breakdowns weekly and I don't see any hope. And the sad part is, when I do feel content I wonder why the hell I felt that way in the first place...until it happens again. Every time I think things are going okay, it reverts back to this terrible feeling. 90% of the time it's because of college. I have been going to college for 6 years now and have yet to even earn my bachelor's degree. I've withdrawn from 9 classes so far (soon to be 10) and I just want to pound myself in the skull for being such an incompetent piece of ****. And knowing that I will probably be paying for these worthless classes for the rest of my life makes me want to strangle myself. My parents are already disappointed that I haven't finished school by now even though neither of them even went to college. Every family party I go to it's "How's school going?" or "When are you gonna be done?" I'm so mother******* sick of it. I just recently started working full-time, but only because I wouldn't have been able to afford my lifestyle if I stayed part-time. I am in a very serious relationship, but my boyfriend doesn't understand that I can't spend every second with him and often gets mad if I can't hang out. I'm only taking three classes but my major is in Accounting and I hate it with a fiery passion. I am completely unmotivated. I never start working on large projects in advance and save them for the night before (and I'm even taking Adderall), which is what brought me here tonight. And then I have a disastrous mental breakdown and sob for hours on end telling myself what an idiot I am because at this point it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to calm myself down or think positive thoughts. And it doesn't help that I hear every student in my classes brag about their interviews with these Fortune 500 companies or their plans to take the CPA exam. I feel so far away from that and they've probably started college a couple years after me. I can't handle or deal with stress. At all. And I don't know how the hell to change that. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I could evaporate into thin air with no memory of anything and go back to being nothing. This is by far the absolute worst emotion to feel and I've been experiencing it all too often. Sorry for the depressing rant, but I can't take this feeling anymore.