I've been thinking a bunch over the past few years... really it's been ever since the little girl i fostered went back with her parents, and passed away later that week. I realized i was able to take in and care for a child/infant during that time. Which i wasn't so sure about on if i could or not, before then. And life got so empty after she was gone. I had felt "empty" that i know of, ever before that point. I had heard others use that word to describe things, but it wasn't something that i had experienced yet.

my biggest thing is, i need suggestions because i'm a bit stuck. I know that right now in this instant i'm not ready, but if i never start getting ready so to speak, then i wont ever have a child that i can help give them the best life can offer. I lack fiancial areas of things, i only get ssi for disabled.. I'm 26. in jan i will be turning 27. i'm single. I would give my life to save the child, without a second thought.

And i dont really want to have a boyfriend because i'm not interested in the main thing married men are usually interested in. and any more it doesn't seem to be limited to just married couples. I'm not gay either. I also wouldn't be in a place to be a supportive and healthy parent for a child if i were in a relationship, because i tend to end up in the victim, hurt, etc role in these types of relationships, and i wouldn't want to put any child through that, or witnessing any of that growing up. but then i'm also on meds that i would also have to stop, and i dont think that could be a wise choice in stopping meds right now. some of them would be, but not all. and i would want to give the child the best chance at life, and taking meds that could cause harm to the child before they are even born would go against the best chance at life thing. Even when i was taking care of this little girl i was on cymbalta and dexa something, and then later changed to vyvanse due to the memory problems and heart problems that the dexa med was causing in me.

And as much as kids screaming, and loud noises bother me... its diffrent when its a child that i'm taking care of, or watching.. I guess maybe because i feel like theres something i can do to help them (whereas i would just be a bystander, unable to do anything but flee the area). But even at points when i can't help them, (in the little girls instance, it was her screaming and crying sometimes over teething) it still doesn't bother me, i get into this nurturing, protective, caring mode for the child. So i know the noises, and messes, and such wouldn't bother me. I also try not to be over protective too. I know i tend to want to protect, even at all costs, if its someone i care for. but at the same time i also am able to remind myself to take a step back, and to wait for them to say the word. With a baby or a child that would be different. But I also know from personal experience how much having a parent who is overly controling or protective (too simliar to tell which it was in my parents case, when i was younger it was overly protective, but once i got older, it was just completely controling) and i know how much that can harm and hinder a child too. But i also know there's a medium area that should change as they get older as to how much protection they may need, and how much controling a child (ironically i think of how trying to control a child will most likely turn a child against you, and they become uncontroling -i was that child in my case). But i feel a child should be able to express their opinions and views and wants and needs without fear of being invaildated or getting into trouble.

Anyone have any suggestions, and/or opinions on this matter, or what steps i could take to get to that point in my life?

Thanks in advanced!

EDIT: Also if i ever felt like i was a danger to myself, or i wasn't able to be a positive parent for the child, i would find someone who could take care of the child. I would want to stay in the childs life as long as they wanted that too, but i also wouldn't want to have the child go through what i did growing up. where it ends with the child feeling like a big burden and like they are to blame for everything wrong in their parents life. It wouldn't be easy for me, but i couldn't put a child through that, if i wasn't able to care for the child like they needed. I also wouldn't get all absorbed into the child, like the the unhealthy kind of attachments i've seen that cause the child to feel emotionally suffocated by a parent.