Hello. I've made a lot of posts about my depression/social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder but this one's a bit different. Just for some background: I've been painfully shy since I was three years old; I've never had a stable friendship, one where I could talk to the person about personal things in my life, one that actually lasted.

A part of me says that I really want friends but I'm starting to wonder; is it just that I want validation? Because the only time I have interest in someone is when they have some mental health issue (I guess I like the idea of it?), as strange as that is. But then when someone tries to be my friend, I have no desire to be their friend. All I feel is apathy. I only want (or think I want) someone to be my friend when they don't want to be mine, so do I also just want control? Validation and control and for someone to like me, but not friendship? I feel like a part of me greatly desires being alone, even though I'm lonely, or maybe it's because that's all I've ever known.

Or perhaps depression is just making me feel this way? I don't know. ^This doesn't make much sense, possibly. Sorry.