Hi Tacoqueen,

I was never molested ( that I am aware of ) but from pretty much the time I lost my virginity at 15 I started using porn, I loved getting drunk or stoned so I would feel 'not in control'.

I have never been one to 'make love' I've always been very ... not aggresive but really INTO sex.

a few years ago I started to get into an online game that allowed me to act out my fantasies and I became more and more perverse in my roleplay, the more sadistic or masochistic the better. Really pushing the boundaries roleplaying incest, beastiality, Rape, Gang rape etc etc the whole nine yards and the more into I got the more I wanted to act it out in Real life, it was really starting to become a problem until my Husband put his foot down.

For me, I think this was actually a 'Manic phase' and since I came away from what was 'triggering' me. I have been ok.

I still get phases where I literally ache if I dont orgasm as much as possible and I get so irratated it actually annoys me as much as my husband but I have learned to deal with that myself.

I think it's pretty common for women to fantasise about very dark things, so I wouldnt worry too much about that, but if you are looking for an alternative 'high' in order to save your relationship, you could try Exercise.

I now circuit train, box and Weightlift 5 mornings a week and it def helps to expend all that pent up energy and tension . I really hope you find a way to be ok with yourself and your needs.