I have been diagnosed with Adult Onset Still's Disease. A rare type of arthritis that destroy your joints and gives you daily high spiking fevers. I have been going through the ringer with this since August, and to be fair to myself, I have been really quite brave about it. I have had steroidal treatments, infusions, you name it.

Recently I was put on a steroidal trial where I'd go from 30mgs of prednisone to 20, 15, 10, etc. Once I hit 15, the pain came back at full force. And I had to call my rheumatologist.

It is severe. And has been taking over my life for what feels like a life time. After our conversation on the phone, I was put back on 30mgs of pred, but then was told I would be trying a new medication since the diagnosis is now final.

Thing is, it is used as a chemo therapy. And I am down right terrified. I have had a brave face on since this all began. I wouldn't let it bring me down so low that I'd break emotionally. But this. This I was not ready for. She explained to me that a lot of the symptoms those on chemo (a higher dosage then what I would be getting) are usually experienced by others. Hair loss, weight loss (which isn't good considering I am anorexic), skin issues, little to no defense against illness. I am. So. Scared.

I am scared, and angry, and upset, hurt, frustrated. It's all pilling up. I am just terrified of what is going on in my body, and what is going to happen to my body.

I don't even want this body anymore. I wish I could just be well.