I realy wish I could make the changes. But I can't. When I am alone I think "ok, that would help, lets do that" but when it comes the time to actually do something I can't. I'm afraid about what I realy have, about the cause of me being like this. But I can't get out this fog when the time comes. I don't understand why I prefer to live a life that I hate, where I struggle everyday. But I chose to keep my secret, I wish I could talk to someone, but in order to do that I realize that is needed someone else to start the conversation instead of me. I don't know, I'm chained at my own stupid life. And the worst at this is that everyone thinks i'm a terrible person, no one truely likes me, and the picture everyone does about me is not the best. And I don't know what I should believe, and don't know from where to start.
Let me just tell one more thing. Back at 2011 I made a brain RM. I went to a neurologist because psyquiatritians ???? had failed to help me. At the time I didn't see the exam with me eyes, but my parents went to pick it up and they said there was nothing wrong in it. So I never went back to the neurologist again to show him the exam. But this year I remember to see it with my own eyes and i see my parents missed a part in the report that said I had a small pineal gland cyst. This could explain why I am resistant to psychiatric treatment, but this could also be nothing important. I don't know how to tell my family this, I don't want them to worry about nothing. I don't want to go after this lead and then have no doctor giving it importance or doing nothing or saying this is not the cause. I don't want people to see me as a much crazier person and call me hipocondriac if that happens and don't look for other pshisiologic causes of my ilness. And I don't want to miss this and then it turns to be something important. Maybe I make a dilema out of everything. I want for help but I am affraid to discover where my personality ends and my disease begins, since I have been "strange" since a young age. Please advise me. I am lost and I can't take the first step. I have been trying for soo long and I just can't.