Hello, I am totally new here (I hope I'm doing this right...).

I joined because I believe that I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar II, but find that a lot of the published information online that distinguishes bipolar and BPD is vague and general, so am hoping for some person-to-person, real-life thoughts and opinions. I would also like to add that I am not searching for a diagnoses to label myself with, only to direct my therapy in a more useful direction (haven't talked to her about BPD yet).

I'll try to be as brief as possible, but here is my situation:

I am 27, female, in my 7th year of a PhD program in the humanities/arts. While working furiously on my dissertation for the past 2 years, it has basically come to embody very deep issues I now realize I've had since as long as I can remember: most importantly, an overwhelming sense of having no 'foundation' or core or personal 'history.' This became really evident as I tried to sustain a thesis over a long period of time...causing me extreme emotional and psychological crises along the way (resulting in cutting, drinking etc.). I generally feel like all that I am are my ideas and thoughts, yet in a strange way it's as if they aren't mine, and could change at any second (and do, which is why I'm so behind on my work, though I am at it all day/everyday). While I've been diagnosed with bipolar II and OCD (which I definitely have), I very strongly believe that I am not bipolar, as I identify much more with the way people describe BPD, for example:

- history of cutting, reckless/dangerous sex
- history of violence towards others as a means of coping with rage - beginning as early as 2 I had a biting/scratching problem, which turned into biting/hitting when I was older, especially when I felt I was being ignored/abandoned (although I haven't been violent in the past 2 years)
- semi-authentic suicide attempts to get attention, or when someone broke up with me
- extreme moods that can fluctuate in a matter of minutes (though these days I don't experience rage as much as irritability)
- mistrust of others, at times leading to paranoid thoughts that a friend or partner is trying to poison me, or is conspiring to betray me
- extreme fear of being betrayed/jealousy
- at the same time, periods of extreme ambivalence or even disgust towards my partner or friends, which leads me to feel completely unattached and like not only do I not know them at all, but I don't care if I ever see them again
- problems with object constancy
- history of debilitating panic disorder (not any more)
- history of OCD
- fall in love instantly/obsessively and then get bored really easily
-sense that I am an actor or somehow 'fake'

However, while I identify very strongly with the sense of being somehow incomplete, or made up by my activities and not an actual self, I no longer find myself depressed for more than a couple hours at a time. This usually results in me acting (very uncharacteristically) like a 3 year old crumpled up sobbing and cutting myself on the bathroom floor, but then it just totally vanishes. The rest of the time I am just anxious, irritable, but also very 'full of life' (especially if my writing is going well). In other words, I don't feel like I'm oppressed by sadness, but when I pause, or if something goes wrong, it's like a total existential crisis...inevitably no matter how good things are, they never seem to build towards anything (within myself or between people) - it's like all that matters is what's happening at that very moment - it doesn't exist in relation to anything else, which leads to the feeling of extreme inner-instability. Maybe this is why I'm always moving and changing what I'm doing - I don't even know what calm looks like.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the rambling - would love to hear from anyone who knows they have BPD, as I am still unsure what my underlying issue is, and therefore how to go about getting better.

Thanks in advance for your patience!