I just want to start with saying I'm not actively suicidal, I wish I were though. It seems like I can't even do that right.

I knew my life was over in early May this year. Through the summer, life was ok, but pointless. And now I realized that really was my expiration date.

I have no hope in anything…if I could at least have hope in one area of my life maybe I could survive, but there's nothing.

To other people, being in a relationship may not be high on their priority list, but to me, I need physical affection and I've never gotten it and never been made to feel fully comfortable with it. I don't feel like most of it would be appropriate in any other relationship. And I didn't get it as a child, so I have this need that was never filled and will never be filled. Apparently, I really am just that unlovable.

I have no hope of achieving any career goals. I'll just end up doing nothing in my life and just sit in my apartment day in and day out doing nothing of any real importance.

I had a reason to live before April/May…I wanted to see the premiere of my first symphony and then after that, what is there to live for? There are no more premieres. I don't hardly get to play anymore. I'd move back home to feel "needed", but they treat me like an object. I just want to be a person.

I'd actually been so good about not harming myself until this week. But now, I say F it. I cut deeper than I had in a while and it felt good. Besides, who cares at this point? Why do I keep holding on like an idiot? Why would I be so stupid to think someone I was attracted to would be attracted to me and would lower themselves so much to give me a chance even if we're completely compatible.

Words cannot describe how I feel…there is no point in even getting up in the morning anymore. There is nothing.