I remember coming back to PC three years ago after a very long absence. Both times, I come on the site almost daily, and offer any and all support I know how. I listen to people's problems, I practically feel their pain along with them, I hold out a hand wherever I can, even if it hurts.

In all that time, what do I tell myself about it? "You're weak, you must be too sensitive, maybe you care too much, you're doing it wrong, you could have worded that better, oh that was awkward, are you trying to be some kind of hero!? Are you sure you're not making things worse? Who do you think you are!?"

It just now hit me, after all this time, that I am acting like the person I always wanted to be, and yet I have given myself ZERO credit for trying. I try to make a difference every day and yet I am convinced I'm being clumsy and probably not doing much to ever help. I see my friends list with 127 names on it, and I can't understand why that many people would want to be on it. It's like I'm running some script that says I'm the one who tries but oh dear, epic fail. Too bad. Loooo-serrrrr. I can finally see how sadistic my inner critic is and how absent my sense of self-worth must be. I don't even know what to think. I'm stunned.

I feel like my whole sense of reality just got hit with a gigantic hammer.