Hello reesecups-

I am so sorry that you're experiencing these painful struggles. I do understand, much of what you wrote sounds familiar to me. I read your earlier posts and you wrote that it feels intolerable to you to think that you caused someone you care about any kind of distress. I feel the same thing. I have also ruminated over things that I said-things that I think might have caused someone distress. Why-because they would have caused me distress so I imagine that someone else would respond the same way. And, I have ruminated over why I become so concerned and so anxious over what someone might be feeling.

For me I think it's all about fears-one fear is that someone will come to know what I know-that I am worthless. I fear that they will come to agree with my view of myself. And, if they do realize that I am worthless that they will turn away from me. Another fear is that I will be hurt by them physically, sexually or emotionally, as I was in the past. When I was being abused the person was behaving in an angry way, so anger triggers that fear for me. All of this also includes SI-to deal with the self-hate and the feelings of anger that scare me and so on. If I am able to identify what I am feeling and what my fears are that are driving my feelings I can sometimes turn things around and talk myself through it. I guess I would start with that-try to determine what it is that that you fear will come of someone feeling upset or hurt or angry with you-is it how they view you, that you fear they might harm you, are you actually angry with them, fear of being abandoned-just some examples. If you can determine what it is then maybe you can try to work through it or ease some of your anguish. It's a lot of work-at least it is for me. I have to work through so much, it is truly exhausting. Anyway-I wish you all the best. Let me know if you ever want to talk about this stuff.