hello this is actually my first post so let me introduce myself. I'm (obviously) mordecaikenshin and i think we can relate. now in the normal world we'd relate in the very general sense of humanities conditions but as of now i believe we can relate on grounds far more personal. through a medium thats so public! isnt that backwards and forwards at the same time ?
Anyways....
back to the matter at hand...
i am also having some form of identity quandrys. in the sense that i allow other people define the way i act because these people get the things i say thus resulting in an ambiguous display of fine crafted sociopathy. we have an idea of the way we think people view us through standards that our society holds that intern make us act in certain ways because that is how we think other people view us we turn into that expectation.
myself for instance. my mother died when i was born. and my father was nowhere to be found so off i come to california from texas. upon arrival i lost a mother a father i never had the chance of knowing but gained a remarkably loving family of four siblings. all who already had kids and were adults by the time i was adopted. everything was going good until around the age of 12 when i got caught with weed. now im not saying weed is the cause of the problem but i feel that all this will tie up together if you bare with me. i had started smoking weed out of peer pressure with the older kids in my neighborhood presumably after i started to sell joints at school. of course i got caught because i told the entire school i had weed. when i came home from school that day i had to tell my mom that i got caught with weed. now my mother is a very traditional catholic mexican. upon this she got very hysterical and called everybody. since everyone else had the same naive nature they treated me in the same way a drug addict was to be treated. over five dollars worth of weed that probably couldnt get a cat high. all i remember is dissapointment. and being hit. and feeling like im the worse person in the world. since the expulsion from there nobody has ever treated me the same. everyone gets forgiven in the family. except for me. i was held with four parents telling me whats right. whats wrong. whats this. and whats that. nnone of them had a ****ing clue. now i wonder. could our identity crisis be a product of early childhood influencing? my basic question for you......

am i who i am based on the things ive done? the things ive come from? or the ideas of what a person is supposed to be instilled by parents or guardians?
what defines us? i believe why we do what we do has a big play on our identity. why are you a nurse? did you want to be a nurse? if not... whats your child hood dream?
ive always had a notion that since i have no mother no father. no blood connection to anyone in this world. am i destined to feel apart. to look apart. to act apart. am i the burden nobody should have bore. sometimes i wish it wouldve been me. sometimes i wish i died on that hospital bed instead. after all im just a junky. the world could miss me or kiss me and it wouldnt know the difference. all i ever dreamed of was being a junky. since twelve. i havent been sober. not one day. ive always had a girlfiend since the age of 14 i cant be alone. who am i with out the crowd to relate to?

you have accomplished great things to be proud of. but if you dont assign meaning to your own life your only letting other people assign meaning to it. such as in my case i hang with druggies. thus the idea that i hold for myself is a druggy hence i behave in a manner that is consistent with the idea i have for myself. i know its wrong. but ideas are the key to our identitys. after all im just an idea of a man writing on a board to seek companionship into the maze that is the psyche.