I know how you feel. I lost my first born son on july 17, 1987, he was only 14. It changed my life completely. Holidays have never been the same. I hope you have the support you will need as this is very difficult to get thru by yourself, and I was alone. My son died of a drowning accident while I was at work and I blamed my first wife. Needless to say we divorced later that year. I fell in to the darkest period of my life. I did get thru it but it took 2 years before i could even talk about it. I know exactly how you feel. The 'whys" the "what if's", the anger, depression. At first I refused to believe he was dead! I was in denial for about a couple weeks. It was senseless. My wife and I fought to be able to get married and have him when she got pregnant at 16. Both our parents wanted her to abort, we said no way. All I can say is some times things happen that make absolutely no sense. The more we try to make sense of it, the worse we feel. We each go thru this in our one way. I wish you the very best luck! Your not alone, so many of us are out thee going thru the same thing.