Oh alexandra I think I understand how you are feeling.

I fear wanting/needing someone, can't let them know outright or else they may use that against me.....or maybe I will appear weak and that will reveal my ability to be hurt.

I've just wanted someone to assure me they are here FOR ME. That whatever they do-- cancel appointments, reschedule or go on vacation-- it's not because they don't value their time with me......
I have this habit of looking for any tiny-minute sign of acceptance or rejection----- SO much thinking!!

And yet there is an inner struggle-- I really need to feel wanted/valued but fear that need at the same time and run from it..........

I've felt too that I will overwhelm my therapist. (when I had one) I only said a percentage of what I wanted to say..... **secretly---I feared he would think I'm far worse than he ever imagined--- so I was too scared to say too much.

Maybe you can try and feel proud of how much you talked before--- that's what you are there for to talk about yourself and things going on and you accomplished that goal-- that is a good thing, not a bad thing.IMO. (ha-- I would be embarassed too though )

I hope you hear from him by email that he can re-schedule you in ---- seems to me he trusts you to give you his email..... and that he is wanting to help you.

It is hard, I understand. I used to wish the T. would just say what I wanted to hear......... hmmmmmmm.... what did I want to hear???.....perhaps, "you are OK", and "I care about you" and "you can talk about anything and I will never think any less of you" .... guess I needed to feel unconditional acceptance-- since that is something I lacked as a child-- and that I will be safe. Never been told that by a T.-- "I will unconditionally accept you and you are totally safe here".......

I wish your therapy journey to be a safe and accepting one-- a place where you can grow and shine.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.... chances are I've felt very similar some time in my past.

mandy