So, I need to vent this out and get some opinions or advice. I start a DBT IOP tomorrow. I was discharged from the hospital earlier this week after voluntarily signing myself in because I was afraid I couldn't control my SI and my drinking. After discharge I'm kind of right back where I was before, slightly more controlled. I am feeling really guilty about my SI and wish I had never started. The scars are so horrible to look at and make me hate myself (which is an easy thing to do).

I'm extremely nervous about this IOP. The psychiatrist told me in the hospital that I had Borderline Personality Disorder, but on discharge I was just told that I had severe depression and anxiety. My moods swing all day long. I am coming out of a depressive episode I believe, but I'm always depressed. My anxiety is slightly better on different medication. I'm motivated then exhausted the next second. I need to find out if I have BPD and if this is what I should be researching and trying to fix. I feel like I keep intentionally triggering myself. I feel much more impulsive lately. I'm so confused as to who I am. I am on disability from work and I dropped out of school for the semester. I have nothing to define myself by. The urges to SI are intense. I'm probably going to get drunk and cut. I know I will. I'm exhausted of these feelings. One minute I'm convinced that I fit all the diagnostic criteria for BPD and the next, maybe I don't...my childhood wasn't that bad, I've not got in trouble with impulsive behavior, etc.

Has anyone had any experience with an IOP? I don't know what to expect. It's three times a week group DBT and also weekly therapy and psychiatry appointments. I'm going to ask during my individual sessions of course what they think is wrong with me, I'm just being extremely impatient I guess.

I know I'll find out something tomorrow, I'm just not tolerating being alone tonight. When my friends don't text back, I'm convinced they are never going to talk to me again. Help?