hey. yeah... he really was very good about how i talked a lot the session before. he really was very good. and the next time too. he brought it up first. and kindly and gently and he was okay about it. amusement. thats what i got, I guess. he was kinda amused that i was more animated. interested. it was okay. that was a very nice response / reaction.

but still...

i felt scared. how come? i wasn't really sure... but reading about it is starting to make sense now.

part of what was so hard was that in some frames of mind i'm very self depreciatory. i mean i'm next to worthless - right? but i suppose i was getting a little carried away. grandiose self... and he was fine with that. but i was feeling a lot embarrassed later (not because of him) but... who am i? then i get this other thing where i'm scared people won't be able to handle me. i was reading this thing about this lady who used to dream about her t doing pushups on the kitchen counter. apparantly that was meant to be about her therapist being powerless / ineffective. i'm not so sure about that... but there is that fear, yeah. that the %#@&#! will be too much for him to deal with. it has been for other people so that isn't unrealistic. my father couldn't tolerate my emotions. he ran away. my father couldn't soothe me or care for me. he didn't know how. my father couldn't protect me 'cause my mother was too strong for him. so i'm scared of me yeah. that i'm too much. too much strong emotions and badness inside. and i'm scared that he is ineffective that he will be ineffective. that he can't to anything whatsoever to help me. that i'm a lost cause. i'm scared of that. and i'm scared that he will leave me and i'll be alone and trying to cope with this breaking up and stuff... and i don't want him to leave. so i have to be careful about the %#@&#! inside. 'cause i don't want him to run away.

and he isn't running... is he? he isn't... is he? i don't know.

time i guess.