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Originally Posted by tealBumblebee
I'm starting to see just how "dependent" this whole Dependent Personality of mine is. I've never liked the diagnosis but I can say that the fact that I don't like it has made me more aware of "attachment" patterns I never could see before.
T has already established (and its true) that my mom and I have a pretty unhealthy codependent relationship. We're working on that. But one thing we discussed was my tendency to think "what would mom do?" about every single decision I make. And then, 9 times out of 10, i'll go with what I think she would say even if its not what I would have chosen to do for myself. Now i'm I'm starting to get have a similar pattern with T. I think about her a lot and then tell myself to stop thinking about that (because, you know - its creepy) and then I stop until the next thing reminds me of her.
I think because I think she's an awesome person (at least, in my presence) - kind, gentle spoken, not a push over, imperfect, a devout Christian, she tries to be a good mom and wife, etc. I see many of the things I'd like to see in myself. I link so many things to T these days. If I see someone with the same initials, if I read something funny in a book, if I have a good day or bad day, hear certain songs that I think would be good to discuss - everything in some way links to thoughts of T or me telling T about that event.
I don't think its so much of transference (the way its discussed here). I just have this tendency to "hook" on to people in my life and strongly feel the urge to learn everything about said person. I do it off and on with my friends (it varies on which friend i'm around the most at that time). Then, when I find out enough, I'm satisfied. Nothing ever comes of it except I either decide I like the person more or that they bore me/i bore them.
I should also mention that in this compulsive thought process - there is no desire for me to interact with them in any way. It's not that I want them to approve of my action, or comfort me, or anything. I just like knowing how other people live, what they think about the world outside of my own.
Do you think it's just nosiness (quite possible) or the patterns of dependency? What are some more effective ways of distracting my "stalkerish thoughts" besides just saying "No, stop thinking about that" (since that only works for a short time)? How do I cut the apron strings?
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Clearly, you get something out of this and it isn't hurting anyone. Maybe just enjoy it?
I think there are less healthy ways to occupy your thoughts and time. If your options for self soothing are 1) self injury, 2) substance abuse or 3) fantasizing about your T all the time, well then isn't three the best option?
Maybe force yourself to exercise or do something healthy, while you're thinking about T.
It just seems win-win to me.
It's like having a crush that goes nowhere, but makes the work day a little bit more enjoyable. I liken it a little bit to falling in love and the dopamine that you get from that.
I used to attach to my high school teachers in this way. I was obsessed with them and I imagined what they'd think of my outfits, I imagined being loved by them, getting attention from them, serving them and cleaning their houses. I just really wanted to be loved and accepted by parental figures and I had no model for it.
I was a teacher's pet, but so what. There are worse things to be and some of those teachers really helped me a lot in life.
Today, I do the same with T. The sight of T's name in my e-mail inbox makes my heart beat faster. I love it. When I'm out and about, I look for T. But I don't go out of my way to see her. I just imagine, "What if T was over there right now with her kids?"
Even if I saw T, I'd probably just observe from afar. I wouldn't approach. I just like knowing that T is in the world and exists and that I get to be a small part of that.
Finally, it reminds me of the children's books where the poor children are stuck outside in the cold in the winter, and are happy (and slightly longing) just seeing the children in happy families, inside the big windows, near a fire. And the street urchin just gazes in from the sidewalk, happy to be a part of it, even from afar.
It seems like that to me. Sigh. I'm sad now. I clearly didn't get enough love.