Hang in there. Try not to beat yourself up. I did the same thing until my therp beat it into me that it was a coping mechanism. A poor one, but until I learned better coping skills, it was a coping skills nevertheless. Try not to be ashamed that you need it sometimes, just need help in finding ways to deal with your feelings in other ways.

I haven't SI'd since July, but there are still times I fight the impulse. When. I get triggered my mind immediately goes to SI. So far, I've been able to use other things to get out of the mind set, but I can only hope that they continue to work. Good luck!