Oh, mouse! I so relate both to the book identity for T (only mine was that she was a chair :-) and the smile. My T had a couple of looks that said, "That's enough of that, young woman!" and a "speculative" look, "I'm not quite sure I believe you (or should believe you)." A couple of times I'd say, "What???!!" and she'd explain she was just thinking, trying to understand and not angry at me or "wanting" anything particular from me at the moment. I was always thinking I'd said something the "wrong" way or had picked a wrong direction to set off in.

I think it might be awhile before your T shares much about how she actually feels (herself as a person, not a T) with you. It took about 5-6 years for my T to answer from her own self as well as or rather than in ways that were helpful in getting me to figure something out myself as you are doing so well now. Eventually therapy becomes more "personal" when you are comfortable with the conversation and don't have as many confused or unasked questions.

There is no acceptable/unacceptable behavior coming from another person, other people are "allowed" to do/say whatever they want (as long as they don't physically hurt you) and one learns to "hear" what the other person says as valuable information! If someone says to you, "you p^s# me off!" the response to their anger is curiosity (Why? Is it my "doing" or the other person's problem? What do you prefer (asked of the other person)? How can I help improve the relationship/communication? Does what is pissing this person I'm talking with off %#@&#! me off too when it happens to me?, etc.)

Anger is just a communication from the other person, a, "Help! You're stepping on my toes!" response to something you've said/done. You can respond to the person by working to understand where/what "the" toes are and if they're the other person's and in the "right" place; some people steal other people's toes and claim them as their own and/or you're stepping on their toes on your property :-) If you are in fact stepping on their toes on their property, you jump off and apologize, just as you would if you bumped into someone in the street. There's no need to get all embarrassed and too apologetic, it's not like you meant to! But if you don't think it's their toes or if they're on your property you first clarify and confirm your impressions/perspective with questions and then you make an "I" statement of "fact" as you see it, "I don't think those are your toes, they're Mouse's!" or, "Excuse me, but I do not believe I am responsible for your feeling pissed off at my smile, I do not feel mockery for you, I hold you in highest regard!" It's all about negotiation. If the other person doesn't know how or is unwilling to negotiate, you either stay and try to teach them or you "leave" them.

In a book on anger I read, the author told a personal story where she had an anger issue with a supervisor who presented her (the author's) ideas as her own and/or treated her contemptuously because the supervisor's credentials were better than the author's. Anyway, the author chose to use her anger to go back to school and get a higher degree than the supervisor's and ended up better off herself as well as being able to stop any self-esteem problems that had been at the core of her anger. She wrote several books and became more well-known than the supervisor, etc.