Is what you are going through so bad that a drink or drug would fix it?? I have found that after 17 years, there is nothing that a drink or drug would fix for any length of time. Go to a meeting and talk about where you are at, it will take some of the power away. Call your sponsor, get into therapy, help someone else. I say this because they have worked for me for 3 years of obsessing the curse of alcohol and drugs. It will get different soon, as this too shall pass. Hope you feel better soon.