I survived…even though I was around other people, I felt depressed and alone for the most part. Especially when I went to this chapter meeting for an organization I'm in and I realize that I don't belong. And when asked what I do now that I'm out of school and I have to say nothing…it's so embarrassing. A lot of the people in the group have these big fancy houses…and everyone's married.

I've found people, they just disappear out of my life as soon as I find them. And I find physical affection and emotional intimacy necessary for me, personally, to live a full life. I know that's not the case with everyone, but I want someone to talk to about anything who'll actually listen and someone who will hold me. That and to live a full life, wouldn't that also include experiencing everything you possibly can? Including love and sex? I don't think I've ever experienced actual love of any sort…and personally I don't want to die a complete virgin.

I do know what is in my future…everyone sees me as damaged goods and no matter how hard I try to be good enough and useful, relationships end up being more one-sided with me. I don't want that, but it always ends up that I'm always the one the needs something and if the other person needs something, I may or may not be able to provide it. Why would they bother with someone who is going to be a hassle, who's always going to end up a burden?

I need to stop letting people really get to know me, it's just hard to hide things like my diet and that I can't (or shouldn't) be carrying heavy things. I can at least hide the cuts.