I have been doing so well for almost 2 years. Have not been actively restricting, thinking about it, and not engaging in the thought processes either (tho this part was slower to follow). This is the absolute longest not to mention pretty much only recovery phase I have had in 30 years.
But.. Definitely feels the wheels rotating backwards here. Stress, lots of it. Situations beyond my control, my mother dx'd with cancer, and other life stresses. And I find myself reaching for that sense of control.
It was my 35th birthday on sunday. And something about that just makes me feel upset. It's not the age, it's where I am at or not at in my life. Just very triggering feelings for me all around. Again feeling like I need to gain control over some aspect here. And of course that is my go to, it's quick, available and easy. At least that is what I hear right now.
It's not tho and I know that. But three days of not eating and that addiction feels pretty tight.
I think I am posting just to get it out of my head a bit. Maybe some self accountability. I do not talk about this to people in my life and they do lack the type of insight I benefit from. I would hear "you need to eat ".. yes I know this. Or on the other hand lack of any real concern
beyond that.
Have any of you been through the lack of concern? You hear these stories of families or partners wanting to help or expressing concern. I sometime think I would have to literally drop on the floor repeatedly from heart failure or something for someone to realize I was really struggling. That 's not an exaggeration from me, and I am sorry if anyone faces that as well. Tricky to navigate that one.
Perhaps that is my own fault. I tend to be a bit or very aloof and downplay, or appear to be in control. It becomes a problem at times like these tho. And I almost wish I had that to lean on.
Thank you for listening here if you did. Not sure if I need anything or just the comfort of being heard, and understood.
sorry kinda long, I work on that whole keep it short thing and then bam!