Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing
So I got upset with my T today. I was talking about past abuse by showing her this drawing I did and she got this deeply sad look on her face. I made a comment that she seemed upset and asked if she wanted to save me in the image. She said something like "well I didn't know you at the time and I've really only heard your side of the story so I don't really know what happened". I felt so deeply invalidated that I forgot to ask her to clarify what she meant. I felt like she doesn't believe me that what I said happened is real.
So I wrote her a letter tonight to cope with my feelings of invalidation. In this letter, I get really REALLY angry with her to the point where I actually threaten to physically harm her if she doesn't tell me if she believes me and instead focuses on why I need her to believe me. After writing this empty threat, I quickly realized that I was displacing a TON of pent anger from being ignored throughout my childhood on her. I state this in the letter and say I'd never ever hurt her.
So my question is should I share this letter with her? I think it would probably be good to talk about my feelings and experiences relating to this, but I don't want to scare her or think that I'm dangerous. I'd never EVER hurt anyone, especially not her and I didn't even know I had that amount of aggression locked up inside to even say that I would.
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(((((((((( Growlithing )))))))))))) Wow I'd be really furious if a T (or anyone for that matter!) said something like that to me. It's such a hurtful insensitive undermining thing to say, and I totally sympathize with how it left you feeling
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I have to say that I'd also recognize profound hurt underneath the anger, and that's maybe the issue you want to try and get to. Eventually. In the meantime I'm a big advocate for bringing anger, in any way shape or form, into therapy. If there is hurt under that rage, especially if it taps into a well of prior hurts, then maybe the only way to get to it is via the anger, the 'presenting' feeling. If you try and stuff the anger and be all adult and rational about it, then the hidden hurt feelings are likely to be squashed along with it. So I'd bring in exactly how you feel and not worry about dressing it up or down or being mature and adult about it.
I am inclined to agree with Bill3 here about not having anything about violence or physical threats in writing (not that I think feeling that way is unacceptable or anything) but Ts are after all professionals in positions of relative authority and power and something like that could get used against you at some point further down the line. I agree with what other posters have said about talking it all out though, this is a major thing in my eyes and it's obviously knocked you for six. I don't think you could not talk about it?
Again I agree with Bill3
that your T had a range of responses she could have made, so the reason she made the one she did is well worth looking into. It's possible you caught her on the hop emotionally with what I think is a very astute question (about wanting to save you) and so she just came out with a bog standard psych 101 type response as a kind of defensive reflex.
When do you next see her? Can you wait until the session to talk about this? I see no reason why you shouldn't send her something in writing in the meantime though.
((((((((((Growlithing ))))))))))))
LL