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I'm so sorry that you have a difficult time. Triggers are always difficult, i recognize the urge to look up stuff. I never understood myself why i do it and still do not understand it.
You had the urge and found an answer in what you saw, that must be painful but also more understanding and words for how you felt when you were given away.
Be kind to yourself.
Bloem
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I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
Nelson Mandela
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