My life is so hard. Every day I get out of bed hoping the day will be good and it never is. I'm seventeen, I'm so lonely and all I can do is wait. I can't even get my license because none of our cars are within driving standards. My only two friends are gone., my sister blows me off on everything, and my own stepfather is a jerk. My mom is the only thing in my life that keeps me from ending myself. Aspergers Syndrome, OCD, ADHD, and I'm about to be tested for personality disorders, why is so much wrong with me and why does everyone not like me? I live in hell. Or to be clearer, Alabama. There is nothing out here. My town has under seven thousand residents, nothing is in this town that I take interest in. Home schooled too. A girl tried to set me on fire and I was pulled out. My education means very little to me, even though I want to go to college. All I do is sit in front of my computer and stay in the internet, the only world I know that welcomes a loser like me. I just want to cry all day about it.

God has never thrown me a bone. I constantly pray to him. But no answer. To be honest, I've lost my faith in higher power many times over. My real father was a pastor and when he became gay that stretched my faith. Even now I have extreme doubt.

I just want to go to a better place. But I can't. I wouldn't care if I went to hell for suicide. I already know what hell is like. The thought of ending myself sounds freeing. My mom said if I killed myself, she would remember me as a coward. That just hurts. All I hear to help my depression and loneliness is "It will get better." I hate those words so much." I would burn them to pieces if I could.

My parents don't do anything to help me. I am so angry and all I can do is hide it. A years worth of therapy did nothing. Medication only did so much.

I had a great day on Saturday. Now I barely want to move.

Please. Someone give me a reason to stay alive. I don't have one.