i can't remember if i've posted about this already. i think i have a bit but i wanted to post some more about it. it is something that i have been reading up on / learning about in my efforts to understand where my therapist is coming from (with respect to theoretical orientation). i really like the theory. it might help other people...

Kohut talks about three kinds of selfobject needs. the need for:
IDEALISING - to feel safe and secure and soothed and loved by the presence of a benevolent and powerful other.
MIRRORING - to feel special and important. to be appreciated as a unique and interesting individual.
TWINSHIP - to feel that other people are like oneself. to feel like a member of the human race. other people have similar idiosyncracies and quirks and thoughts and feelings to us.

The notion is that the above are human needs. We need each of these to be met throughout our lifespan. People are social beings. Initially our relations with our parents are supposed to meet our selfobject needs but over time our peers and lovers etc are supposed to meet our selfobject needs (if all goes well).

He talks about optimal responsiveness which is the notion that other people engage with us empathetically and that they are able to take the transference, which is to say they are able to respond appropriately so our selfobject needs are met. e.g., 'wow thats wonderful, i'm so happy for you (mirroring) or yeah, i can really relate to that i find that too (twinship) or yeah, i really love my work and seeing people for therapy (idealising). optimal responsiveness doesn't mean that they always meet our selfobject needs, however. it is about empathetic attunement (acknowledgement of the need) rather than solely about fulfulling that need.

He doesn't think that selfobject really are transferences (in the standard meaning of transferences). transference is thought to be when we relate to our t as though the object (the t) is another object (e.g., or parent). he doesn't think of these processes as involving object substitution (t treated as parent) so much as involving a process of the ego (a selfobject is an object that is incorporated as part of the self and this can be quite distinct from the realworld object. it is the perception of the object).

the notion is that there are times when the therapist can't fulfill the selfobject needs due to the nature of the needs or because people are incapable of being 100% empathetic all of the time. in these moments of 'optimal frustration' so long as the individual has had adequate experience of their selfobject needs being met their ego can fulfill the function and they can do that with their own ego resources. when this happens... this is what structural changes to the personality are supposed to consist in.

i think that is kinda cool :-)

it is very different from the notion of the therapist as being 'objective' or 'neutral' in the sense of NEVER meeting the needs and instead analysing the presumed object transferences all the time. it is also different in the sense that Kohut thinks these are needs that all people have throughout all of their lifetime.

it used to be thought (it still is thought by some schools) that one should never 'indulge' selfobject needs. one should always analyse the assumed transference e.g., 'why is it so important to you that i express approval'. the notion is that if one indulges them then the patient will never learn to meet the need with their own internal resources. Kohut thinks that one should empathise with the need and fulfill it if it is appropriate (i.e., if it doesn't involve a boundary violation such as sex or whatever). that it is meeting it that provides the patients with the internal resources to meet the need themself. he is also distinctive in the sense that he doesn't think the therapist needs to purposely try to frustrate the patients selfobject needs in order for progress to occur. instead, it is simply a fact of life that there will be moments of optimal frustration becaue the therapist can't be empathetic 100% of the time and because of the nature of the selfobject needs some will simply be unable to be fulfilled.

ipeople are supposed to exhibit all of these selfobject needs over time. people often have one of these needs more pronounced than the others, however, depending on their parents own needs (hence inability to meet the childs needs).

what do people think?