hey. i was reading something somewhere (damn, can't quite remember where) about how you deal with childrens needs for mirroring. i need to read that passage again. kids can be quite explicit about their mirroring needs 'mummy look at me! i want you to watch me!' sometimes the parent can meet that need by watching and expressing pleasure in the kids achievement. othertimes this need can't be met, however. when the parent needs to attend to something else, for example. there empathy is supposed to be the key. damn, i can't remember the example of what was said... something about validating the kids need 'yeah, you are really great on the swings!' and then coming in with a reality check 'mummy has to do this right now, but when i've finished that then i'll watch you on the swings'. damn. i wish i could remember the example because i think there was more to it... the notion is that the empathetic stance is what makes the reality check okay for the kid. without the empathy the kid could feel shame at having the mirroring need. another thing that could go wrong would be if the parent tried to meet all the kids needs without encouraging them (in developmentally appropriate ways) to appreciate reality as well. if a parent tried to do that then the kid wouldn't really get the chance to internalise the functions. also... it could lead to unrestrained narcissim (with respect to the mirroring need).

i too have a tendency to swing between shame at having such a need (so i won't admit it) and this unrestrained grandiose version of it. i feel embarrassed after both as well.

:-(

yes to the melting. it was good to talk to him about how they do melt into each other at times. to acknowledge that. i guess before i needed to emphasise the seperateness to clinicians because they didn't understand the seperateness. he does understand the seperateness, however. and so... i'm talking about their similarities. focus on them... focus on enlarging me to incorporate more and more and more of them. part of it is mood dependent too, i guess. if i'm in a happier mood it is easier for me to accept bits of them. if i'm not in a happy mood then i don't like them and i don't want them and they are not me they are not. he seems to be okay with the vaccilation and confusion. he said he understands that it is fluid and isn't fixed at all. that he won't hold me to anything i said the week before lol. he really is terrific (idealising) :-)

i was worried a while back that he was expressing too much interest in them and not enough interest in me. my concern was that he was wedded to the view of therapy which involves my switching and him getting to talk / relate to them directly. basically... i don't want to do therapy that way. he promised in our very first session that he would never try to summon them or ask to speak to them directly. i did worry a little, however, that he thought he would be able to do that as i trusted him more. it isn't about trust for me, however. i think it takes a whole heap more trust to allow ME to express their thoughts / feelings / desires / behaviours and to (even semi) acknowledge them as MINE. and that is the way i want to do things. i wasn't sure how he would feel about that. that is something that i want to talk to him about at some point. i also worried that he wouldn't want to work with me if he thought i wasn't DID, however. i was concerned that he would think that this strategy would mean i had a spectrum disorder rather than DID and that he was only working with me because he thought i had DID. i worried he wouldn't want to work with me anymore. i think that he was trying to let me know that it was okay to talk about them, however. i think he was trying to establish some kind of rapport with their perspective too so that they would trust him and know that he wouldn't undermine or write off their perspective. so i guess things are going okay. and i am trusting him more fully or something.

my main concern is about the kid though. idealising. i guess that is a big thing for me. the one i struggle the most with. i never really got the other needs met but i guess the idealising is probably the one i have the most difficulty with. expressing vulnerability. trusting that others won't exploit. trusting that they won't be disgusted with the neediness and dependence. fear that people can only be sadistic in the face of such vulnerability. fear that he will be useless in the face of the sadistic parts of me. that i'll destroy him or myself or the both of us. gently does it...

i have done a lot of therapy i guess. i've also struggled a whole heap with seeing very focused cognitive behaviour therapists and with p-docs who typically don't do therapy and who are leaving in a couple months anyway. i've wanted a therapist who i could work with for... 4 or 5 years now. wanted... wanted... saw some councellors but i couldn't really think of them as therapists. was like talking to a friend. but no insight or understanding really. they wouldn't direct the sessions. they didn't know where this was supposed to be going. i was scared they were too fragile...

but i just clicked with this guy from the first session. and he really has been terrific. and he is a nice mixture of strong and vulnerable. empathetic but not afraid to talk about sadistic apsects etc. i've also been reading a lot. understanding the process stuff has helped my progress so much. and people on boards. people on boards have helped me so much.