Hang in there. Even though my therp help me not to be so ashamed, it actually took reading a book about it that also taught how to stop that has really helped me. I think I posted it here somewhere. The impulses may never go completely away, but they will decrease the longer you stop. Be kind to yourself. It is obvious you are trying to cope with a something painful. SI is a coping skill. A poor one, but a way of coping nevertheless. You are doing what you can to take care of your emotional pain. The key is to learn new skills. I know it's difficult but don't give up. Take care