I don't just don't know if I like Med School. I'm complicated sometimes I think I like things and then I realize I hate them, I think I want some things that I don't like and I'm not capable of. I realy can't trust in my feelings and there's a reason why. I feel somehow depersonalized, since I was a litle girl and the thing I do better is daydreaming. It's hard for me to get my feet on the ground, to see the reality as it is because I tend to fantasize everything I live. And I think this fact explain a lot about some actitudes of mine. One of them is that I can't be sad, or angry or abstet for many long, I can't keep my feelings about things. It's not a positive thing I guess, because it keeps me from worrying seriusly about me or anything else and makes me acting just when it's late, when I have any escape. It is hard for me to get in touch with my feelings and needs, so imagine how it is to get in touch with others feelings. It's not that I don't know what is suposed to feel and what is suposed for me to do and say, but I'm a bad actress. I can't plan anything to say because it looks fake, I feel fake and I hate it. I just can say things naturaly when I haven't think about them, when I think I should say something I lose corage to say it, it is like it wasn't even a though of mine. It is like I can only live the moment. There are some days better then others, but in that days the emptyness is bigger inside me I hate to be my self, every conversation is torture, I don't have anything I care to say, I say things I don't care just to say something, I have no opinions, I don't know what position to assume about anything, what the others say don't mean nothing to me don't wake any thought or opinion. I just hate these days. I don't feel like a person when I feel like this. There are other days that I feel totaly confused I constantly forget everything, in don't know wich day it is, I lose track in conversation I lose stuff of mine, I feel like zombie, I feel like I am still sleeping and I have this terrible headaches, this mental tiredness. There isn't almost any good days, days that I feel like myself. They changed a lot, there are some days too, in wich I can't find words to speak. I don't remember to be myself, never.
That's because of this that I have been thinking for some time that I couldn't get depressed. As some doctors said, but they didn't understand the full picture about me, because I can't tell them, not that I don't want but it gets difficult to remember the things to say, it gets difficult to organize the things I wanna say and it is even difficult to put them in words. And as I said it as to be natural, so when I plan to write what I feel, I get the same problems and one other, I get lazy I can't finish it, I can't get motivation inside me to finish it... I have tried. And I would never show my text here to some doctor, they are to personal and my english is bad, they have another context...
So answering your questions: I chose med school because people say it to me, I read many things about my choices and no one clicks. At the time was seeing a psychiatrist and I though that she would help me, I though my tiredness will disappear, that my troubles relating to people will get better. And as I can't get in touch with my feelings I though I may like it because I use to like solving problems. Other reason was my sister was there already and it would be easier to get information about things, what to study for instance. And she said how great it was for her, how she like, how people learned to like and to be good at it. But see I can't feel good almost any day, thinking straight and memorizing are main issues to me, making friends it's a big one. So it would be hard to get happy anywhere I went. And I think I don't really like anything. I have been like thinks with my fantasy eyes just to discover later that I don't like it. And there are many times in my day that I don't feel like doing nothing, I have some series to watch, and I don't want it, it feels like I don't like them, but in the end, when I watch them it seams like I had some fun (don't if it was realy fun, cause I never know). I can't say I like med school or dislike it, maybe it is indifferent to me. I really don't know, everything is confusing.
Sory for the long text, I try to write what I remember as it is so hard to remember things and put it all together.