Oh, this is so interesting!
I think I see now where my therapy went awry. Something he said after about 6 months meeting with me-- "I can't hold your hand, mandy"..... has stuck with me for the last 2 1/2 years I struggled to stay in therapy... To me he meant-- I'm on my own just like when I was little, to soothe myself in any way I can figure out... and to dicipher what should be upsetting and what isn't, all on my own. (which I'm so bad at due to non-responses in childhood when traumatized)

I've struggled all my adult life to "feel" and know just what is an upsetting situation. Was denied learning that as a child.....

the idea of "Idealising" makes very good sense to me.

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for people who never really soothed or given much attention as kids... people who never really had that idealising function met... people who were more distressed than usual due to abuse or whatever... the distress can be very intense and the person isn't able to soothe themself. instead they turn to the environment in such an intense state that... they need to turn to therapy in order to have the idealising function met adequately enough for them to internalise.

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I handled things by numbing and/or dissociating....I missed so much--

Yes, this all makes sense to me--thank you for sharing all this. Maybe the fact I quit therapy wasn't ALL my fault after all, I was thinking it was.

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it used to be thought (it still is thought by some schools) that one should never 'indulge' selfobject needs

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this is JUST how my T. would be towards me-- at least it seemed as soon as he figured out something I needed, that's when it was withheld-- well that's how I felt anyway-- whether or not that was something he did on purpose-- I'll probably never know-- but it sure gave me a feeling that he was cold and indifferent towards me-- just like my parents--
I once told him-- "it's like we're dancing together but to different music with different steps"-- very awkward. (maybe I shouldn't have said that-- I might have pushed him away by saying it )

thank you, thank you, for posting this!

mandy