So today I am going to see my Dr which I truly love even though I have only met with him once so far. He was so genuine and understood all that I had been through up to the point of meeting him, the crazy med-go-round. He commended me for getting a jump start on my treatment by convincing a walk in doc to Rx me Topamax to use as adjunctive therapy with whatever else might be Rx'd once I finally found a Dr. Well, he put me on Lamictal which was a Godsend and kept me on the Topamax. He also increased my dosage of Klonopin and basically told me if I couldn't get out of the house I needed to be taking more of it. At one point I did, I was taking it everyday. But then I just didn't want to do that. I guess at some point I just started judging myself plus, whenever the crying fits hit (my versions of anxiety/panic attacks) that can last anywhere from 10-45min I no longer had anything to take to snap me out of it because I was accustomed to this med. The last time I saw him I was supposed to come back in 7 weeks. That was well over a month ago. Part of me has just truly been trying to figure out if my issues are environmental (external) or if I indeed have an issue that needs help by a med adjustment or change. My biggest fear is weight gain. Everyone says sanity over vanity - well, you're an asshole if you say that so keep your mouth shut if that's your way of encouragement. I lost all of my baby weight after three kids (my youngest is 4), went from a 16 to a size 6 (my prepregnancy size) AFTER I quit smoking then I got sick and put on these meds that didn't even help my condition and made me put on 60lbs. It's not about vanity, it's about mourning and being truly upset and cheated out my hardwork for nothing. There are few to no meds that actually do not cause weight gain for this and I am on two of them right now. Both of which are not AP's and I have been doing just fine other than the fact that I cry at least once EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I cry for other people, not just just because I am some overly sensitive person who is a crybaby who can't deal with life. And I have taken the Klonopin so infrequently that if I use it now it just lay me out, like it literally knocks me out. I am hoping that the Dr will just increase my dose of Topamax to 200. After the research I have done, that seems to be the average dosage for adjunctive therapy on this medicine anyway. We can't really go up on the Lamictal because the last time I was on a higher dose I had an allergic reaction so we are already taking a gamble with me being on it to begin with. But the Dr who originally had me on it increased the dose way too fast and that could've been the cause for my allergic reaction. The med my Dr mentioned trying if the Topamax/Lamictal/Klonopin mix didn't work was Latuda. Seems like a fairly weight neutral drug. But's it's also $600/mo. So I would have to sign up for the low cost program (which I qualify for) and wait 2 months for it to go through and come in the mail to me because my Dr doesn't have samples. So this would still put me waiting for months to have any help. I guess it's okay either way. I mean, I've been dealing with it for this long, what's a couple more months. Or maybe he will increase the Topamax and this will be a nonissue. I have a feeling he's also going to tell me that i should've been in therapy this whole time as well, but there came a point in time where we just couldn't afford it anymore. The place where I was going for a long time was reasonably priced at $35 a week but I honestly didn't feel like it was helping me at all. $140 a month is a lot of friggin money!!! It's hard, it's hard for me to go see a Dr today that I can't afford to see, to get advice that I can't afford to follow and to probably get an Rx that I can't afford to fill. I know that I am rambling. I am just not feeling hopeful and I know I haven't posted here much or in a long time but I am just really low right now