So I tried to lower the dose of my antipsychotic Zeldox because I was sick of feeling so dumb and having absolutely no motivation or drive in life. I started lowering it a few weeks back and now Im on half the dose and completely suicidal. I had a plan but no date and I even tried to prepay a funeral but lack of funds stopped that.

My partner and family want me back in hospital but I know they will just put the meds back up, so I've done it on my own. Took a higher dose this morning, and then I will up it to the full dose in the next week or so. I like to avoid hospital.

Im so super frustrated because on the meds I feel so retarded. But these meds have kept me more 'stable' than any I have been on (and I have been on a lot). With the lower dose it was so much easier to get out of bed in the morning. I felt my concerntration was better, I could actually read a whole chapter of my book and I could follow conversations easier.

But then the depression got worse. Now I cant even sit through my favorite tv shows, I just cant follow them. My mind feels blank a lot of the time, its like Im too depressed to even think. I keep having hysterical crying spells, I was sent home from work because the tears just would not stop. When they did stop it was because I was dissociating. I cant think, there are no thoughts just bonecrushing depression. I could lay looking at a wall all day and my mood will be the same as if I was lounging by a pool at a resort. Luckily though there is no anxiety or OCD yet...

Wait a few more days and the PMDD will start, once again the anxiety and OCD will run rampant and when Im already so depressed and suicidal its going to be hell. Even on the full dose of meds it barely had an effect on the PMDD. Even upping the AD at that time had no effect on the hormonal depression (although the docs want me to try a higher dose, Im not as keen on that as I like my orgasms thanks very much, the PMDD gives me a very high sex drive and I think its what helps me get through).

Theres nothing that can be done about the PMDD until next year and even that will be a gamble. I just dont know how I can go through another few months of this. Im holding on to hope that in a few weeks once the meds level out and the hormones of this month pass I will actually have a day that I dont desperately want to die...

I've done everything I was supposed to do. I meditate, I do yoga, I exercise, I practice mindfulness, I work, I volunteer, I stay in a good sleep schedule, I eat well, I practice cbt and positive affirmations, I attend regular therapy, I have a great support system. Why do I still struggle so much with depression?