Thank you all so much, really. It means a lot.

I just am struggling to understand my "friends". I have two who I am so thankful for (one of which is my partner), who ask how I am and then sympathize, and then talk to me about something ridiculous that at least gives me a laugh. My partner came over this week and helped me make my room more soothing and comfortable before the treatments started and kept me calm. But these two go to school and I respect that and I give them the time they need for themselves because they have shown me such respect and care. With my other "friends" I feel like they aren't paying it forward. I know in this explanation I am going to make myself seem godly, and that is not my intention because I am far from it. I am more of a nightmare. Anyway;

I am known as the "rock" in many of my "circles". Including my family, my few friends, even at work. People come to me with their problems and I shove my own aside to help. When one of my friends got kicked out of their home, they stayed with me. When one of my friends, from canada mind you, couldn't take being around her abusive mother anymore, I paid for her to fly here and stay with me for a month. I have protected them, loved them, have been loyal. And now I am stuck with asking myself "for what?".

I do not do these things to be seen as good or decent. I was just taught that this is what friends do for one another. They go out of their way to make their friends safe and feel loved. I don't feel loved. If anything, I feel loathed. As if the fact that I am facing something bigger than a flu makes some of my friends almost /jealous/.

The friend from canada that I spoke of shrugs off every cry for help I give. Then she openly speaks of having a flu and vomiting when I specifically told her to stop mentioning vomiting as I have been for days and I don't want to think about it anymore. Apparently that made me selfish, self centered, and self involved. We got into an argument that she picked when I was CLEARLY in an emotionally and physically vulnerable position where she told me "you're not the only bastard suffering". I don't want to be known as the only person suffering. I just want, for once, for one of my friends to go "wow they may actually have it worse than me right now, I need to check myself and realize that."

But no one really has been willing to do so.

I had to put straight chemicals into my body and my "friends" choose to ask me advice about boyfriends and using me to vent at and I CAN'T handle it right now. And even when I say "I am emotionally unavailable today. I really can't be a help." I am insulted and called names and told that I need to just suck it up.

I feel so god damn alone and it's like no one cares if I drown in this. They are all stuck on this idea that life is a sepia toned romantic film and anything ugly (such as illness) cannot exist. Therefore I no longer exist.