I was in a very defensive mood in T yesterday. I was very spacey on the drive over and really wasn't feeling like talking. I said to T I;d sooner sit and read a book to myself for the session instead of talk. She asked me which of her books I would like to read? I immediately pointed to a book on her shelves entitled "Shared Experience". I don't know why that book that day. I haven't a clue what is inside of it, but the title drew me.

T pointed out that maybe it felt safer "today" to read about a shared experience, rather then partake in the real shared experience between myeslf and her!!

After a while of feeling myself struggle and being crossed armed and tight lipped I said that I really was trying to pull myself back into the here and now. I said I felt I wanted to hit myself about the head and I didn't want to let T help me!

She said that I have let her help me before so what was different? I couldnt answer at first, I was feeling to irritated, desperate. Then I realised that I was actually in T, and that I was sitting there, so that tells me part of me must want her help?

I told her this. Then I felt the true feelings within me, I felt hurt, sad, afraid and I was missing everything that had never been. I related this to T and she said that it must feel like a risk to let her help me with this? I agreed, I was afraid that her help wouldnt be enought and I would have to re experience abandoment.

I really had a feeling afterwards of having touched some very old feelings. LIke I'd reached another level and the session ended well. I felt "nourished"

I realise now that I still carry that very very early experience of having "fallen apart" as a baby and undertsand now my "clinging" . Its because I still feel that I will fall apart again without these things. But I can never fall apart in the same way as a vunrable baby would. I have words and thoughts now to hold myself together.

When I allow myself to think about falling apart, it feels like I'm a roller coaster ride and about to go over the top, or thats how I imagined it to be like, but its not. I let myself get to thet top and its safe, there is no drop, no falling apart.

Sorry for the ramble