Thanks everyone

I had been pretty stable on meds for 3 years, I was hoping I'd be able to cope on a lower dose or none as I do feel like its making me slower in the brain. Brain game training, crosswords, puzzles and all of those things I used to be good at are getting harder and harder. I find it hard to even read a book and I used to love reading. I cant talk on the telephone anymore and I find it hard to follow conversations with people.

I had been on the half dose for 3 weeks, I suspected it might be withdrawls not helping the situation but honestly could not go on like that. Looks like I will have to go inpatient if I ever want off these drugs.

My doctor is really good, but I have tried heaps and heaps of combinations and this is the one that works best for me. I know it works and has the least side effects of any combination I have ever been on. I'm not keen to try other combinations because it took 8 years to find this combination and get me stable, I dont want to go down that road again with the wrong meds causing big problems.

I dont mean to dismiss advice and support, I am appreciative. But you can see why I feel doomed. Since upping the dose of the zeldox again and having a break away from home I am already feeling better (as in not completely suicidal but still quite low), but dreading the hormonal change where the world will seem so black and endless again.