Evocative title, complex issues...

Last year I was diagnosed with small bowel cancer... my wife was not very supportive of me and for good cause. I wasn't the best person to her and neither her to me, we were married for 9 years. I decided to leave and seek experimental and conventional treatment. It was the hardest decision of my lifetime to choose my life over my flimsy marriage where she actually told me several times (after my cancer diagnosis) " I hope you die" take that as harsh as you'd like but I believe it was more the $500,000.00 life insurance policy that she was wanting to cash in on. We always had a less than stellar marriage. My leaving did two things well really three, It devastated my children, My Parents and pushed my agnostic believes into full on Atheism. Now my cancer is in remission and my well Ex? not sure what to call her is not wanting to give me a divorce and kinda not acting upset with me... But my leaving brought her closer to "God" I suppose and I never wanted our marriage dissolved I just wanted to be happy and have my children around me all the time But I can't get back with someone that didn't even care about me as one human being to another? I am perplexed as she has been telling her family and friends that I left her like some kind of deadbeat, and I've just kept my mouth shut.