Not only can you not fall apart as a baby you would but you didn't really fall apart then; you "survived" (what "survival" is all about). You lived through all those horrible experiences before and came out the other end. Now it's just hard because they were painful/difficult (and you were afraid you wouldn't survive then) and the way you survived was so primitive. I spent a couple years in T trying to deal with the 2-3 year old me and her thoughts and ways she did things, I can only imagine how hard it is when one was a baby. Eventually the new skills you're doing so well learning now will encompass all of you so you'll feel like you can take care of the infant you too (I hope :-)