I think people might judge me on thinking I have a mental health issue, but I'm not even sure what it is anymore. I've told people what I've been diagnosed with in the past, which is why they judged me.

I obsess about the events leading to my first episode, and I sometimes wonder what was causing me to behave that way. I try not to obsess but it's hard when there's no answer to it. I do not have any real problems with mental health anymore, other than the medication I take makes me extremely tired.

I've been thinking Abilify is making me suicidal again. I want to do nothing but sleep all day and dream of dying constantly so I can wake up free of the past and free of the toxicity that has become my life.

I just want to live without blockages. I want to create art like I used to and be super creative like I was as a kid. I'm not as smart as I was anymore and that depresses me. People think I have Aspergers/Autism but I'm currently labelled with Bipolar or so that's what I've been told.

I am afraid I will begin creating problems just to agree with them, when I was young enough to be forcibly hospitalized the medication induced paranoia that they put me on, as well as first time experience of hallucinations. I was so traumatized the voices were screaming at me to have the people in charge to listen to me. I was traumatized so severely twice in each hospital, also have been molested by someone working there, isolated, forced injections etc. because I called the medication poison and got everyone to stop taking their pills.

I hang around with people diagnosed with schizophrenia who can't change their beliefs or delusions and it frustrates me. Because I can tell what is real and what is not but I can't convince them otherwise.

Is this a sign that my illness was prevented or that it didn't exist in the first place?
How would one know?

I'm not depressed and I don't have mood ups or downs. I'm not hallucinating and I don't have delusions or false beliefs.

I can handle adderall and other stimulants easily. If I'm on SSRI's my psychiatrist thinks I have Bipolar because they have induced mania in her opinion, or I start to argue with her and dont just go along with everything she says.

She thinks she knows who I am, and tells me when she thinks I'm not myself but she doesn't factor in my experiences so of course she doesnt know me.

I'm so sick of it all. But Ive been taking Abilify for 8 years since being forced to take it and I don't have the support to process what I feel like was abuse and I am afraid to call abuse because it could have just been my delusional thinking to call it abuse.