Hi.
I have come here to finally tell someone the whole truth. I can't tell my friends, my family or my counsellor due to the reality of my situation.
My marriage has always had its ups and downs. I have contemplated leaving many a times due to lack of communication, support and care. Some days can be fantastic. Others can be just damn lonely.
When I met my husband he was 24 and a drug user. I was 19 and had tried a little weed and speed but never really craved or actively sought it.
I told him I was not into it and to be with me, the meth had to go.
He let it go without a second word and on big events like New Years or birthdays, the boys would get high. It was a rare occurrence and even so, I was not impressed as I could not understand why they could not just get drunk and be happy with that?
8.5 years on, and a young son, our next door neighbours invited us to smoke some meth. I was sceptical, knowing drugs and I did not mix well together (anxiety, panic etc) but did it anyway.
It was the worst decision I could have made.
I didn't panic. All anxiety was gone. I felt great on it.
Slowly but surely every 2nd weekend, we would get high. Then every weekend. Then maybe get a bit more on Sunday to help pull through on Monday.
After a year, we were needing it every day to be able to function and stay awake.
The roller coaster has been a nightmare.
My husbands come downs are nasty and brutal (emotionally) and he hated that I too was now addicted. He kept saying I am supposed to be the one who stops this. Pulls us away from this.
I did try. It took me a week off work sleeping and eating and he still got high anyway!
I won't go into every detail, but whatever we had - has gone. The things he used to love about me (ditzy blonde, naive) he now despises.
I have met someone else who has been through this before and is helping me to see that I have to stop this. Meth will ruin me, if it hasn't already.
My husband and I have decided to seperate, and all we do is blame eachother.
What I want advice with is, when I get clean, will I see this completely differently? Will I realise I was the problem or will I see it as I do now - both addicted to meth, he is the buyer and he won't stop buying it (not that I complain) and to escape this, we need to seperate.
Please be kind with your judgements.
Thanks