All of you are such kind, loving people. it does make me reconsider my thoughts to leave. at the moment im in "no mans land", i feel good and bad, last night i had a very bad panic attack. i have never had one like that, and i was so scared of everything. i was nearly sick, began shaking and had irrational thoughts of suicide. that was what scared me the most. when i had my panic attack i wanted to cancel my singing lesson tomorrow as i felt it was that that was making me so scared.

Canders7 and i speak on msn, and when i had my attack i was in bed, and it was about 3am my time, so i got out of bed and logged on hoping she would be there. she was. thank god for time difference! she helped so much, more than i can express. she deserves a medal for what she did for me last night. i wont ever forget that.

but nonetheless, i had the worst panic attack i have ever had. and i didnt like it. today i have been sleeping all day - after the attack i didnt sleep until 5:30am. i havent felt too special today, must be the aftermath of the attack. i am trying to think very hard about this vocal session tomorrow. am i ready? were nerves getting the better of me last night? was my departure from here involved in the attack? the answer to all those is YES. i am ready. the nerves were awful, and i felt so alone and saw a life of fear and "stagefright" ahead of me making me doubt if i am strong enough. and yes, leaving here did make me down. it still does.

part of me wants to stay so much, because it is such a wonderful site, and many of you are so kind and caring, as seen in this post. the last few days i have heard comments around here being mentioned that seems as though everyone is out to get everyone. people need to focus on that, and try their hardest to find a way of letting the hatred go and finding ways of letting love in. it is damaging, i havent let it get to me yet, which is why i wanted to leave now. i adore so many people here and when it seems there is upset, it puts me into a situation where i want to help everyone, because i class all as my friend. but i cant, and i know i cant. and that is pushing me away.

butterflylady747, thank you for accepting that change needs to happen. that is a good thing, for definate. i hope others can follow in your footsteps and end this once and for all.

as for me leaving...i still dont know. last night was a very hard night for me to get through because the attack. i need to re-evaluate a few things. i want to go tomorrow to the singing lesson, i want to. i love singing, and i love music, so why am i so scared? do i care TOO much? do i love it TOO much? maybe after that it will release this feeling of being scared and trapped. i just wish i didnt feel like this.

simon