I'm not judging myself; just trying to figure out why. I know it has to do with last session when she said something about not being in her life so I don't know all her weaknesses and strengths. Then, when I pointed out how that made me feel, she was thrilled about my accomplishment. She said it was "old stuff", and was my desire to merge with her, and told me it was HUGE that I could see it, and tell her how it made me feel.

I don't think it was such a great accomplishment, but in any case, I think it was yesterday when I suddenly googled her.

The main reason is that I wanted to find something "new" about her--something I didn't know. I seemed to be driven to do that. I didn't want to use DBT skills. I thought of them afterward. If it's old stuff, it sure doesn't feel like it. I kept searching until I found something, but it's not enough. I don't know what I want to know. I just hate that I can't know.

This hasn't come up for a while, so I understand the trigger being what she said. I wish I could solve this in a way that satisfies me. I emailed her about it because I want to do more than "accept my feelings", and "distract myself". I don't want to have the urge to look her up and find things out about her. I used to do the same thing with the others I idolized in the same way. I don't look up things about my friends or even acquaintances.

I wish I knew what I wanted to know about her, but I don't think that's IT. If T is correct that it's about wanting to merge with her: the urge to merge, I have to just live with the pain when it comes up. That sucks. I did use the DBT skills of observe, and non-judgment. But I was too absorbed in my activity to stop myself.

This isn't about googling being right or wrong; I have to figure out how to live with these desires. A month or so ago I happened to see her new address online, went by her house once, and that was good enough for me. I don't need to do that again, and for once, I didn't tell her. But this seeking information is different, and I'm afraid I'll do it after I quit therapy, and it will upset me.

Maybe I need to ask her a little more about herself, but when will it end? What am I looking for? I know I'll discuss this with her next time. I know it will be easy for people to tell me "just don't do it", or "do it" but don't tell her, or "do it" and don't worry about it, but that doesn't help me with getting rid of the compulsion to do it.