Hey simon. I don't think I know you, but maybe my experience can help you...

I used to post on this other board and I was really very involved with that. Over time I really felt like I got to know a lot of the posters there and I really felt like they were my friends and I came to care about them so very much. Sometimes there would be conflict on the boards. At the time it felt like things would never be the same again. Things would never go back to being the way they were and the boards would never be the same again as a consequence of the conflict.

But you know what.... That happened on several occasions. Which is to say that there were several occasions where I really and truely felt that something irrevokable had happened and that things had changed and things would never be the same again. But you know what? Over time... Over time... Things did go back to more or less the same as they were. It took some time, but things did indeed go back to more or less the same as they were. Then I started to notice that there were other conflicts that arose on the boards and other people had that same feeling about those conflicts and you know what? I barely noticed those conflicts.

I think that in general... The boards are much greater. Conflicts seem to occur between a vocal subset of people. If we are involved with those subset of people then it seems like the whole boards are blowing up... But if we socialise with other people on the boards then we barely even notice the conflict.

I too grew up in a violent household. I used to be (and to a certain extent I still am) terrified of conflict. I feel like I'm breaking up / breaking apart when people who I care about have conflict and become divided. Part of that (a significant part of that) was fear of physical violence. It was hard for me because I find conflict triggers off memories of physical violence but over the years I have come to see that online conflict is actually more manageable for me because the threat of physical violence is lacking. Yes words can hurt. Words can hurt a great deal. But nobodies life and nobodies physical being is threatened and so I've come to see online conflict as a relatively safe place for me to experience conflict and to see things calm down over time.

That being said sometimes I find that I need to walk away for a time so that things can calm down, and so that I can calm down. Sometimes that involves my reaching out to different people on the boards. People who I don't typically socialise with. Sometimes that involves me walking away from the boards altogether at times. But I always come back. I don't know whether I'll ever stop posting on boards. In a way... I think that they have been life changing for me. People on the internet, people who I really didn't even know or accept or understand as people... They really reached out to me. They accepted me. They showed me that my thoughts / feelings / behaviours are understandable. They showed me that many people struggle with the same things. They showed me that they could see ME that I could really disclose what was going on for me and they could really see ME and they cared for me and they accepted me... And now... I need help and compassion at times and I'm so eternally grateful at everything that these random strangers have shown me. And some of them became friends but they started as random strangers... And now I hope... That I can put something back by reaching out to others. And my aim in life has become how to do that better. And that has replaced my aim in life of figuring out what is wrong with me.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. Take home message: This too shall pass. I understand the need to walk away for a time. But remember... The boards are much greater than this and there are so many people here who I'm sure you haven't gotten the opportunity to get to know as yet. I know it is hard to see friends fight. Sometimes the thing to do can be to reach out to others... And sometimes the thing to do can be to walk away for a time...

I hope you feel better soon and come back to us.

Take care.