I've been seeing my T for 3 1/2 years and have a strong connection with her. About a year ago, a friend of mine was going through a very hard time, she said she knew she needed therapy, but she couldn't seem to find a lesbian therapist. After pondering the issue, I decided to give her my T's number and I told my T that it was okay with me that she see my friend. At the time, my primary concern was getting my friend help, and I knew (from my own search) how difficult it was to find a good LGBT therapist in our area. Back then, it didn't occur to me that this would become a huge issue for me.

For about 6 months, everything was fine. Then, my friend and her gf began relationship counseling and my T referred them to a colleague of hers. So, my friend was going to my T as her individual T and this new T as their couples T. All of a sudden, my friend was singing the praises of CT (couples T), and criticizing my T. In fact, she said she was thinking of making CT her individual T if she broke up with her gf. However, her gf apparently asked first, so she was unable to switch to CT after the break-up. She said she didn't really want to stay with my T, but she was going to stay with her anyway, because she had no one else. Suddenly, she seemed to think everything my T did was terrible, and she started coming up with a laundry list of complaints. The worst part is that I heard all of these things, but I couldn't tell my T. Eventually, I did tell my friend that she could no longer share these things with me, but the damage was already done.

In addition to that, every time my friend does something that bothers me and I ask to talk to her about it and work through it, her excuse is: "Well, T says it's okay. T says I have to think about my needs first, and not think about the way it affects my friends." So, it appears as though I have no grounds for talking about and negotiating the boundaries of the friendship, because she puts T "on her side." I've tried to say "let's leave T out of this, and just talk," but she isn't very open to that. She will also tell me stories that T shared with her, about her own life, where T is relating her experiences to my friend's. That's just something I don't want to hear about. I've told my friend that I don't want to hear these stories, but she will often text them to me anyway. She likes to text me "updates" after her sessions, even though I've already asked her not to. This past week, I made that boundary VERY CLEAR (again) so I think she may respect it from now on but, even so, it feels the damage is already done.

This past week, due to a scheduling snaffu, T ended up asking me to change my session time and she gave my session time to my friend. That created a BIG problem for me. My friend texted me, while driving to our T, asking for my advice on what she should talk about it in session. That's how I found out that T had given her my time. Apparently, the initial issue was that T needed to attend an event at her daughter's school, and she was juggling around several of her appointments for the day-- it wasn't really about my friend. But, obviously, all I heard was my friend telling me that she was on her way to my T, at my time, which I had been asked to give up (it was also the week of my b-day). It triggered me because of my childhood-- I was constantly asked to give up things for my little sister and I never got any of the time, attention, or love that I needed, particularly around my birthday. T knows my whole history, and it has been very healing to have her to tell me that, with her, my time is "mine" and I will never be asked to give that up for someone else. In fact, the topic of conversation the week before was how I felt "unimportant" on my birthdays. T said that she wanted me to know how "important" I was to her. This scheduling issue with my friend just sent me into shut-down mode; it made T feel like she wasn't really on my side and she wasn't really safe.

Even though I recognize that it was just a scheduling problem, it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" on how I feel about my friend also seeing my T. Even though my feelings aren't entirely rational, they're still my feelings. I feel as though I have to "defend" my T from my friend's comments and judgments, and then, when I see T and my friend's name comes up, she'll say something nice about my friend and I'll be thinking, in the back of my mind, "well, I know what she says about you!" It sucks that T is in the dark about this, and I'm in the position of having to "keep the secret." And then it's my friend who got my time with T. I'm the one who defends T, and my friend is the one who got my session. How is that fair? Of course, as a rational adult, I know that life isn't fair. But those are the emotions I have, even though I know better cognitively.

Aside from that issue, it just feels as though T can never be 100% "on my side" as long as she is seeing someone else in my life. It feels as though her loyalty will always be divided. It feels as though, without understanding it, I gave up the right to have a T who is always "on my side" because she doesn't know anyone else in my life, and I get to be her only priority when she sits down with me. It makes me feel as though my T isn't completely safe. It makes me feel like T is "one way" with my friend, and another way with me, and that makes me feel as though she's inauthentic. Of course, the only things I know about how my T is with my friend are from my friend, filtered through her perspective. Still, it feels as though she's talking about this stranger, and that's my T! It makes her feel less familiar and less safe. It makes it harder for me to let my guard down.

I realize that I made a mistake in referring my friend to my T, but I'm the client; I didn't know any better. I didn't understand that it could become such an issue. I think I'm a little upset that my T didn't know better. I've told my T that I think I made a mistake and that I wish I never made the referral (although I didn't go too far into why)-- and T agreed that it was a mistake. She said that she wishes she had not taken on my friend, because she agrees it has become a conflict of interest (at least for me). However, there isn't anything she can do about it now. She's committed to me, and to my friend. My friend does not have a problem with the arrangement, but I do. Is it fair for me to think that my T should have known better? She said she learned her lesson and won't taken on any more friends or spouses of her clients-- but shouldn't she have already known that? This isn't a pastoral, rural, or school counseling situation; she is a therapist in private practice in a big city who does intense, long-term psychotherapy that focuses heavily on the relationship between T and client. Because of the attachment that develops between the T and client, having friends going to the same T just creates a lot of problems.

It doesn't seem as though there is anything I can do about the situation (I've already put up a strong boundary with my friend; NO telling me about her therapy). Other than that, I need to learn how to accept the situation, as I do not want to change Ts. So, since I can't change the situation, how can I change or manage my feelings about it?