Hi guys
Thanks for your replies.I feel I am going crazy at the moment.Wish I could say something positive but I cant and I am tired.I am going on holiday in a couple of weeks and want to look kinda o.k -presentable in a bikini.So I started calorie counting again and I havent lost any weight on the scales but maybe I look thinner in the face and tummy.But I feel totally trapped in calorie obssesion.not free at all .and I think as soon as I go on holiday -we will be eating out alot and I will baloon out again.and I am scared of people seeing me balloon.My body dismorphia is getting worse ,2 people commented that I looked good ,or had I lost weight.That makes me feel worse (when they are nicer to me if I am thinner) I want to say -yeah but I am also starving -eating less than a 1000 cal a day and I will gain it all back and more as soon as I have had a normal meal.I only need to look at food and I gain.Anyway I just feel insane like I am banging my head against a wall ,I have felt like this before (worse)but I am just so tired of it .Today I just started shovelling food in my mouth ,partly I think a reaction to feeling so trapped and preassured.I feel on the edge of a binge.In another way though I got some control back past couple of weeks from the overeating .I think when I really looked and measured what I was eating -I can see how I was going overboard before.And whatever I do I need to plan my meals and then stick rigidly to mealtimes-even eating carrot sticks before dinner can set me off .And snacks -maybe I should keep that to the weekend and have a planned fruit snack the rest of the time .I dont know I just cant see a way out of this food weight dillema.I am going to Thailand and will be eating out alot/most of the time and I will put on weight -and actually I know if I give something up (ie.dieting) there is a loss with that (thin body) and its worth it just to feel a bit more human and alive and free .Its just other people seeing me change again or seeing my fat thats the problem.I want to run away to another town somewhere no-one knows me.I know its just gonna take a big dose of courage and grit my teeth and bear it mentality.My weight goes up and down all the time .The thing is this whole e.d started with feeling very unacceptable as a chubby teenager.I felt ugly and worthless so I changed my appearance to be more acceptable ,but I went too far and I lost the real me in the process,my soul,and 15 years later I am still wearing the mask .I feel lost and unreal and like a fake especially when I am counting calories again.But when I am fat I cant even look in the mirror and I wanna kill myself .Anyway I am not giving up ,I am planning to do some ritual next month ,with candles and mint leaves and I am gonna change my name (privately) and I am gonna try to let go and take down the mask and be whole .and heal my self esteem.after I have been to the beach .Anyway sorry I have gone on and on again,can anyone relate to what I am saying?thanks
blueflower