I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is a mess! I think your feelings about this are entirely valid.

I was in a similar situation once. After my couples therapy ended my partner continued on with that therapist for individual therapy. Big mistake! Suddenly arguments were no longer simply her opinion against mine - she would always try to say that my therapist agreed with her, and I had no way to know if that was even true or counter it. I also thought my couples therapist should have known better than to put us in that situation.

You stated that you didn't think there was anything you could do to improve this situation. I can see why it feels that way. I do think though that maybe there is a way to make it better if your therapist knew fully what was going on. Right now I think your therapist is being a little too loose with her boundaries between the two of you, but she might rethink that if she knew how it was effecting you.

One thing your t can change is to stop telling your friend personal stories so that they don't come back to you through your friend. Many therapists already have that boundary. I would think she would not want personal information to be passed between clients, outside of her control, with that client's interpretation mixed in.

Another thing your t could improve is in how she discusses the opposite client with each of you. You mentioned how it is difficult for you when your t says positive things about your friend when your friend comes up as a topic. One way your therapist can help you manage that is by removing her own relationship with your friend out of the equation. A clean boundary would be for your t to listen to your point of view when you discuss your friend and support you where you are at that moment without also expressing her own personal opinion and private knowledge about the other client.

Your t can also help each of you individually to define and hold good boundaries. You expressed your needs to your friend, but she didn't seem to hear or respect you in this. Why? This seems like a good therapy topic to me. Without sharing her inside information about your friend, your therapist can support YOU in your attempt to define and hold your boundaries with this friend and in all of your relationships. If your friend also chooses this as a topic in her own therapy, maybe your therapist can help your friend to hear and respect the boundaries in her life?

Your therapist also messed up big time with giving your time to your friend. Your t needs to hear this. Unfortunately, in any long term therapy relationship, your therapist is likely to step on something that triggers all of your old 'stuff'. I hope that you are able to tell her. You deserve for your t to hear both how this hurt in the moment and how it also echoed with the past. If your therapist can own this without getting defensive this could be a rich topic for you.

I'm sorry you are in this. I can see how painful this can be. I hope that this gets better for you! I do think your therapist needs to own this and make the first changes though.

Turtle