I'm going through the process of separating (in every sense) from my "dysfunctional" family. It's from people I really love and really hate, if that makes any sense. And they're not making it easy. Not because they're mean people. Obviously they're going to miss me, as I do them. But additionally they resort to manipulation sometimes to get what they want, mainly because many of their problems are so big they try everything possible. Like someone who is about to drown grabbing you and pulling you under too in a misguided effort to survive. That for me is like putting salt on the wound. I wish this was a clear-cut black and white issue where I'm the victim and they're the bad guys, and that would much less painful. But it's not.

My main problem is that I can not feel anything. Like I can say the word, recall memories, but not feel emotions. You might think that I must be okay then. That's not true, because most days I feel sickly, as if I have a mild flu and overly anxious too, and extremely tense. I grind my teeth at night, usually have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat. I was started on antidepressants years ago (due to a different reason) and have seen a therapist too but not much help. I don't even know which muscles are NOT tense. After I took a larger dose of my sleep med suddenly this morning I realized some muscles had relaxed a bit and it gave me a panic attack. It was so strange, I actually felt my elbow. That probably makes no sense to you. Well, usually the muscles or nerves or whatever around my elbow are so tight I don't feel the sensation associated with my elbow. But today I sensed it. Anyhow, with some muscles relaxing it was like my protection had suddenly opened up a tad bit and I was vulnerable. My body felt different and yet somewhat familiar. I tensed up like twice more tight after that.

I've tried to do yoga since a few weeks ago and also breathing exercises. But I either pull something (my neck hurt badly after doing cat/camel pose and I couldn't turn my head all the way to the right for ten days) or tense up even more during the exercises. Best way to describe it is if a sadistic sergeant is standing over you, baton in hand, and timing you. It's like "Get your *** over here maggot, it's 0100 hours! Breathe IN, breath OUT!" In short, I either judge myself harshly mainly because can't do the moves the right way, or rush through the whole thing. Like I force myself to breathe. And that doesn't work. If you are breathing from chest and not belly, if you force to open your diaphragm...you just tense up more. So I've come to dread my yoga time. I hate it and don't find it relaxing. Yet I force myself to go through it.

Any of you have depression with a lot of somatic symptoms? How do you deal with it?